LOSSES

We learn the same life lessons over and over.  Sometimes, I smugly tell myself that I’ve learned something – really, this time – but I often face that same lesson again.

One of the lessons I am repeatedly faced with is loss; accepting it, understanding that I do not control life and death, and that I can’t control other people’s decisions.  It makes me think we need to “learn” emotionally almost in sync with our intellectual learning.

We lose people to death but other ways as well.  I will talk about both; death and circumstantial loss.

 Death is the obvious loss; it is permanent, final, and non-negotiable.  It may well be the only real loss.  The death of a loved one can actually be felt physically.  When someone died who was like a daughter to me, my heart literally ached.   I was in a heart hospital twice, the first time barely a month after her death.  After almost seven years, I can still feel an aching in my chest if I let myself think about the loss.  (I realized, of course, that is where poets initially got the idea - someone experienced this and found words for it.)

When someone dies, we feel completely powerless.  We know that we can do nothing to reverse it, nothing to resolve any unresolved issues, just plain nothing – the ultimate horror in this life. 

While I am primarily thinking of people I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention the loss of a pet.  They seem like our children in a way and losing one (to death or not) is very painful.

Other types of losses are circumstantial.  A dear friend moves away or we lose touch with someone who had been a critical part of our life; a type of “death” but not irreversible and certainly negotiable.

We still feel the loss of a friend who is no longer a part of our life but we can find remedies.  We can make new friends or keep in touch with the old friend.  That does not mean we don’t feel a loss; it just means it is not as painful.  We are not powerless to do something about it.

Losses that are attached to a long-term situation such as a job or a residence can also be difficult.  We don’t like to acknowledge that it is, indeed, a loss so it may affect us in surprising ways.  

We should acknowledge any loss, give it its due time and attention before moving on.  If we don’t, we run the risk of having it pop up in unexpected, neurotic ways.  Moving on does not mean severing ties; it’s just adapting to a necessary change.  We may think that letting go of something means we don’t care anymore but that is simply not true.  

Loss is part of the human experience, and adjusting and moving on – with our caring intact – is as much a part of our lives and should lead to both a kind of wisdom and being more fully human.