I find this hard to
write about. I think it may take longer
than usual to finish because I’ve noticed in each drafting session that I can’t
write for very long in one sitting. The
topic upsets me too much.
The “topic” is victims-survivors
of sexual assault. I’ve interviewed or
had private conversations with victims of sexual assault for years. These notes are from a variety of people in
four different states of the U.S. The
victims were of varying ages, all female.
It is a horrendous a
crime, regardless of the gender of the victims, but I have been in a position
to talk to women and girls. I have had no men or boys talk to me about their
experiences. For these two reasons, I
will refer to the victims as female.
Further, I have only heard of cases where the perpetrator was male –
although I’ve read about female perpetrators in the news – so I will refer to
the perps as male.
I refer to the victims
as a victim/survivor because they were victimized and I think that should be
acknowledged as long as it is true: all their life. Equally, I know they are survivors and that
should be acknowledged and encouraged all their lives. Leaving off either one seems to deny some
aspect of the truth.
My own comments are the
sum of years of thinking and reflecting on this hideous topic.
I think molesting a
child must be the worst kind of crime of both betrayal and violent
intimidation. I say “violent” because it
violates the body and the psyche of the child.
It also has an emotionally violent effect on the parents of that child,
the siblings, and just about anyone who knows about it and loves the
child. As one psychologist stated, “He
tried to destroy the soul of a child.”
If the molester is a family member, they have betrayed the child and all
of her relatives. If they are a “friend”
of the family, they have betrayed at least one friend. All the molesters have betrayed trust in
their relationships.
THE ARROGANCE OF
THINKING YOU HAVE IT COVERED
A/K/A Doing All You Can
But it wasn’t Enough
One young mother shared
this story as she cried and was shaky, even years later:
“I was one of those
parents who talked about everything. When
I heard of a case in Long Island, NY, I talked to my kids about it. Oh, I was so sure I had it all covered. I talked about how “they” always threaten to
hurt the girl or someone she loves, etc. to try to keep it a secret. I cleverly told them NEVER to be afraid to
tell me no matter who it was, no matter what.
I would believe them, I would stop it and they would be okay. They should trust me that the threats were
from a sneaky person who never wanted anyone to know their dirty little
secret. I had it covered. So I thought.”
Another conversation
revealed: “When there was a news story about rape, I waited because the child
who asked me what it meant was too young to understand it and too young to not
get confused about what sex was (which she had not yet asked about) and what
violating a child that way was. Sadly, a
couple of years later, in our own stable, family-oriented neighborhood, a
four-year-old was raped. She, too, was
too young to understand and too young not to get confused.”
This comment sums up
typical feelings of the mother or other adult caring for the child who was
victimized: “I have never gotten over
the guilt of feeling I couldn’t keep my child safe. I still cry about it; I still get angry. I hate him so much. He betrayed a child’s trust, and he betrayed
me. He even hurt her sister, too. My girls were close and the elder one felt
protective of the younger one. She not
only couldn’t protect her little sister, she got angry at me for not being able
to protect them both.”
In an older case, the
now-adult woman described feeling terrified of her step-father even though his
way of molesting her was frequent “slips” of his hand. He would hug her and say
things like, “I know I can’t take the place of your father.” He would hold her close and because he was
big, his hug would go around her completely and touch the side of her breast.
One could say that was an accident except that it happened repeatedly. Even at nighttime, when she would go to the
bathroom, he would be waiting outside the door for her to come out and he’d hug
her closely. At those times, she would
only be wearing a gown.
In this case, she tried
to tell an adult. When I think about the
circumstances, I am amazed at her strength and courage. It was an era when kids did not challenge
adults, let alone report on them. Her
mother was an angry and frustrated person who frequently hit her and a
sibling. So, fearing her mother, she
went to a social worker and told her that the stepfather was “touching” her. Sadly, in this case, the social worker didn’t
really believe her. This was unspoken
but probably a correct assumption because the social worker asked her to sit
out in the waiting room and called her mother.
The mother and social worker spoke a while and then, with nothing said but
goodbye, the girl was sent home with her mother. In the car, her mother began to take away
privileges. The stunned girl said “what
about him?” to which the mother replied, “I don’t believe he’d do a thing like
that."
I don’t know why the
adults either didn’t believe her or didn’t believe it was serious; there is no
way I can know that. What I would guess
is, in that era, no one talked about such things and parental authority was rarely
challenged. My guess would be that the
social worker felt it was the mother’s duty to accept or reject it and to deal
with it.
Perhaps of interest,
this woman said she was very timid, and not very attractive. Could it be that the adults thought that
there was no way a man would want to engage her in a sexual way? Again, I can’t know for sure but I’ve heard
people make comments even now – in our “enlightened” era – that they can “see
how someone” would find one child attractive but not another. Excuse me?
That comment seems to imply that people only molest “attractive” kids
but nothing in the stories I’ve seen and heard supports that.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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