First You Cry, Then You Cope

Coping and surviving seem to be inherent in a human.  I’m not sure why, but it looks like a good thing.

We know that we have no choice. It’s either cope with life or lie down and die. We can’t lie down and… well, you know.  Short of suicide – and no one should do that – there is no way to be sure how long we will live.  As long as we are here, we might as well keep trying. 

Coping with life is like exercising muscles: you don’t get toned or strong reading about exercise, talking about it, advising it, or sitting and thinking about it.  We only get toned and stronger because we actually exercise.

Exercising our coping skills is the same:  we have to keep working at it even when it’s a struggle, while taking care of ourselves.  I mention that because “coping” isn’t just persevering; it’s taking care of our bodies and minds so that we can succeed at coping in a way that is healthy and real.

As I thought about this topic, I had several thoughts about when coping is difficult.  Here are a few:

YOUNG LOVE

One is young love. Oh, my God, I am so glad I’m not young or “in love.”  What a mess.

HEALTH PROBLEMS

Sick or disabled people have another kind of heartache.

DEATH

Losing someone to death is the hardest. There is nothing we can do except cope.  We can’t fix it or go back in time.

While drafting this blog, the shootings in an elementary school in Connecticut took place.  That is when I came back to write some more on this – not only because of the precious lives lost that day but because we have had so many crimes like that and for Reason Number Two, below.

First, as many others have, I think about the victims and their heartbroken family and friends.

Reason Number Two:  Just as those young children are precious to us, lives are lost like that ever day by our military attacks on countries that never attacked us.  Those children are precious to someone, too.  But we don’t mourn them; we aren’t horrified.  We don’t cry.

In thinking about coping, I can’t resist mentioning war.  Adjusting to war is not coping in a healthy and good way.  In order to adjust, we are actually diminishing our humanity ("kill’em all").  Our military does that to our troops, too. They must strip away some of the humanity in order to make them killing machines.  We dehumanize everyone: the enemy MUST be dehumanized or no one would want to kill them. Our soldier must be dehumanized or he won’t kill as easily.

But my topic here and now is coping.  Viewing war and coping in the same thought is hard.  Our soldiers have had more suicides in the last few years; more PTSD, more problems readjusting to civilian life.  Nothing is normal or good about being the invader, the occupier, the killer.  Sadly, it speaks to their humanity when a solder CAN’T adjust to that life. That is not to suggest that suicide is okay; but their PTSD may be partly based on not denying their own, very human, feelings.

Most of us will not be soldiers. Most of us have very ordinary lives, but our suffering always seems extraordinary. 

The thing about suffering is not that it is unique, but our experience of it so personal that it seems unique.  We feel alone with the pain.  Even when others reach out to us, much of the time, they can’t really relate to our problem.

It’s good to have supportive family and friends but, ultimately, we are alone in our pain. It’s not as depressing as it might seem at first glance.  We are the ones who must cope but we are the ones who will benefit from that effort.  That is one of the hardest things in life to realize but it is one of the most valuable because that coping, that struggle, is what makes us who we are.  We will either advance in a more human and humane way or we will not. The struggle itself is a process of refining – like gold is refined. 

When we are actually going through a difficult time, it doesn’t feel like a good process – it is hard.  We may be feeling physical pain, emotional pain or anger or depression (anger turned in on oneself). It doesn’t feel like a positive thing.  It is only in retrospect that we see what it really was – IF we were struggling to do the positive thing, the growth, the understanding – the coping.

Those are my rather random thoughts on coping but I hope everyone will add to that their faith, a large heart, and the will to do it. 

As always, I welcome comments.